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Angry Lawyers Storm Historic
Dan Quayle Museum in Indiana

May 22, 1999 _ Swarms of angry lawyers stormed the historic Dan Quayle Museum today in Huntington, Indiana, as two days of increasingly hostile demonstrations finally boiled over.

quaylemuseum.jpg (9552 bytes)Attorneys across the country were outraged by remarks made by Quayle, a former vice president during the first Bush Administration, late last week during a speech in California. During the speech Quayle blamed most of the country's problems on "the legal aristocracy" and vowed to "restore America to its pre-lawyer purity."

Mob leaders are threatening to write lengthy, harshly worded briefs about the treasured contents of the museum, the only known vice presidential museum in the country. "Dan Quayle will be singing a different tune when he sees how we deconstruct the legal basis for these golf club covers he received as a gift from the Emperor of Japan," said one rioting attorney who asked that his name not be reported.

Quayle's measured provocation of the legal community apparently was designed to give him a platform -- similar to his crusade against the television sitcom "Murphy Brown" -- on which to base his run for re-election as vice president. "It's not easy to campaign for the vice president's job," said one knowledgeable insider. "You have to make it look like you're trying for the top job and give up before you've pissed off the guy who's going to win."

quayle_passion.jpg (4581 bytes)But others speculated that Quayle's outburst was in fact motivated by legal problems closer to home. Reportedly, one of Quayle's three children has expressed an interest in making a bid for the vice president job as Texas Governor George Bush's running mate. "That would make the most interesting combination since Dwight Eisenhower's son married Nixon's daughter," one historian noted.

Quayle suggested in his speech that domestic unrest may be a factor in his new crusade against lawyers. "The children's rights zealots are encouraging children to believe they can sue their parents," he orated. "Every Baby Boomer parent has heard it from their children at one time or another: 'I can sue you,'" he said. "They get it from the culture."

The personable former veep appeared to secure his also-ran status by accusing the powerful media elite of being conspirators in the lawyer-led attack on American principles. "In fulfilling its cultural agenda, the legal aristocracy has not worked alone," Quayle said. "It was aided by a willing and compliant news media and an entertainment community that transmits counter-culture values."

Big-time news executives dismissed the accusation with a snap of their powerful fingers. "The former vice president is a lawyer himself. He fought the Vietnam War as a pr flack for the Indiana National Guard," said one news industry executive. "If the American public wasn't addicted to sitcoms and beer commercials he couldn't get elected dogcatcher."

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